A useful button.

I would like to be able to activate my car’s center brake light without hitting the brakes. Hopefully this would cause the tailgaters to back off. I want to be able to look in my rearview mirror, see that the impatient moron behind me is so close that… well, so close that I’m worried I’ll get hit, smirk my little smirk, and, with the James Bond theme playing in my head, press… The Button.

The driver behind me would see the center brake light and panic, believing that I’ve actually slammed on my brakes in the high speed lane of a major interstate with no other cars in sight. And as he reflexively hit his own brakes, hopefully spilling his coffee in his lap, I would calmly pull away, still going the same 5-miles-under-the-limit-speed that caused him to ride my bumper like that in the first place.

I’ve already got the perfect place on my dashboard for The Button: the passenger belt warning light that looks like a perfectly pressable button. Whenever someone’s sitting there without her belt buckled, the light starts flashing. I immediately lean over to press it, hoping that this will be the time it’ll activate the ejector seat, or electrocute the passenger. No such luck. So as long as it’s sitting there, doing nothing, I may as well turn it into The Button.

Since I’m on the subject, I think the hazard light button on my dashboard should also have enhanced functions. If I were an alien sitting in my Corolla for the first time, and I saw a black button with a red triangle within a red triangle, I would assume that that button activated a heads-up targeting system for miniguns or guided missiles (the hazard symbol has always reminded me of the targeting lights from Predator). The perfect place for the firing mechanism would be the overdrive toggle on my gear shift. I never use that thing anyways; it’s always on.

Never mind what prompted these thoughts, because I know you’ve had them too.

All this, of course, assumes that I have any working knowledge of automotive electronics, which I don’t. So I must turn to my dear engineering friends from Clemson. This is your hour.

This entry was posted on Thursday, October 13th, 2005 at 3:22 PM.

7 Responses to “A useful button.”

  1. twink Says:
    October 14th, 2005 at 9:15 AM

You could always get a bumper sticker that says “Get off my ass or I’ll shoot”.

  1. clarkkent Says:
    October 16th, 2005 at 1:20 PM

mr. v

i just want to disregard your post and call you inspirational and fawn over you because youre hot and stuff. but if i was commenting on this particular post, id say that youd have to have t.w.d. install a flux capacitor to your car, because time travel is far more useful than a fake brake like….if you are appealing to clemson engineers that is.

  1. jmanpc Says:
    October 16th, 2005 at 4:16 PM

So drivers in Chicago are just as inconsiderate as they are in Jacksonville? This must be stopped.

  1. Vincent Viscariello Says:
    October 16th, 2005 at 8:36 PM

Clark–

I would laugh at the first part of your comment if I didn’t know you were being sincere. But instead I’m going to eat a grilled cheese sammich.

  1. clarkkent Says:
    October 17th, 2005 at 9:36 PM

touche, mon frer….

  1. Doctor Hmnahmna Says:
    October 24th, 2005 at 6:25 PM

I’m too busy to put in the flux capacitor. You’ll just have to make do with the nuclear reactor I’m assembling.

  1. Simplexity17 Says:
    November 5th, 2005 at 1:45 AM

Genius, pure genius. But due to my lack of this fine device I am forced to actually “brake check” the…um…[insert word here]. In fact, today, as I was pacing myself at a steady 70MPH along Toll Road 417 on my way home from UCF for the weekend I was being tailgated and, because of my lack of “The Button” I was forced to actually remove my foot from the accelerator and tap on the brake. She proceeded to drive up beside me, roll down her window, yell at me that she was in a hurry, shoot me “the bird” and get back behind me where she immediately continued to tailgate. Yes, The Button would make millions. Start working…

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