Mr. V’s Generic Recommendation Form.

Due to the large number of student recommendations I’ve had to write since leaving Paxon, I have decided to post a generic recommendation form. Simply copy the text into a Word or Works file, change the date, replace [full] with your full name, [first] with your first name, and “her” with “his” or “him” when necessary. Also, note in the second-to-last paragraph, I say that I will only date or marry women with your name–well, if you’re male, you’ll need to add an “a” to the end of your name or use a feminine form of your name. I’ve put everything you need to edit in boldface. When you’re done, just put a couple of letter “V”s followed by some squigglies for a signature. Good luck.

. . .

[today’s date]

To Whom It May Concern:

I would like to strongly and emphatically recommend [full] for admission into your university. It shocks and appalls me that she would even need my recommendation. One would think that the mere presence of her name on the application would automatically lead to admission—one, that is, who knows the real [full].

My first encounter with [first] was on August 14, 1972, nineteen months after I was taken prisoner in Viet Nam. My captors tortured me, kept me in solitary confinement, and starved me for weeks at a time. They tried to make me denounce my country, but I knew that if I could stay strong long enough, my country would come through for me. Finally, after three Special Ops units had been wiped out in failed attempts to rescue me, the Pentagon sent her in.

I will never forget that steamy day when she parachuted in and wiped out every VC within five miles. I will never forget it: the screams of my captors as she butchered them, the door to my cell being blasted open, and then [first] coming through with the head of a prison guard impaled on her bayonet. Nor will I forget her sheer elation upon learning that a shell-shocked, beaten, tortured man such as myself could, having grown heartless and bitter throughout the brutality, still shed a tear, joyous at the sight of a savior’s friendly face—[first]’s face. For beneath her cold, ruthless, bloodthirsty exterior was the warm, nurturing heart of a loving soul.

[first] saved my life. [first] taught me calculus and archery. [first] is ambidextrous and telepathic. [first] knows the etymology of every word in the OED and always uses the correct verb tense. [first] knows the last ten digits of pi (π) and can divide by zero. [first] can carve ice sculptures with chainsaws and can etch secret codes on grains of sand with her heat vision. [first]dug the Grand Canyon with her mighty pickaxe and destroyed Atlantis when its people displeased her[first] saved Earth from [first name spelled backwards]her evil twin from an alternate universe—and her army of giant robotic bumblebees.

Knowing [first] has truly changed my life. On my back I have tattooed “[first]” in 58 languages, including Egyptian hieroglyphics, Elvish and Klingon. I will only date women named [first], and my wife will be named [first]. I am going to name all of my children after her. I shall name my daughters [five feminine variations of your first/middle names], and they shall be beautiful and graceful. I shall name my sons [five masculine variations of your first/middle names], and they shall be handsome and strong.

Understand that your failure to admit [full] will bring the full fury of my wrath down to bear upon every employee and trustee of your puny university, as well as their loved ones. You don’t want any of this. Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,

Vincent D. Viscariello

This entry was posted on Thursday, October 20th, 2005 at 3:58 PM.

9 Responses to “Mr. V’s Generic Recommendation Form”

  1. aabrock Says:
    October 21st, 2005 at 10:32 AM

Wow Dom, I had no idea you taught Democratic Presidential candidate John Kerry! Also, try your hand a writing a few madlibs…I think you have what it takes.

  1. Vincent Viscariello Says:
    October 21st, 2005 at 1:12 PM

Aabrock, it is totally unrealistic to suggest that I am old enough to have taught John Kerry.

(Next time I talk to you, if I call you “ab-rock” instead of your real name, I apologize.)

  1. Vivienne Says:
    October 21st, 2005 at 8:47 PM

My name is male. Same as my middle name (mom and her grandfather were “tight”- as those young people say- and needless to say, my middle name is his name, just spelled different).
The masculinity of my names pose a problem for that almost-last paragraph.

  1. jmanpc Says:
    October 22nd, 2005 at 5:59 PM

i might actually use that and see what happens

  1. donnimikk Says:
    October 23rd, 2005 at 11:09 AM

Do you think Harvard will let me in with that?

  1. Vincent Viscariello Says:
    October 23rd, 2005 at 11:51 AM

Into what?

  1. Cetentae Says:
    October 31st, 2005 at 11:12 PM

I’m glad I never asked you for a recommendation!

  1. Vincent Viscariello Says:
    November 1st, 2005 at 3:59 PM

You should’ve; you’d be in Harvard, gratis.

  1. PaxonGator Says:
    November 24th, 2005 at 9:54 PM

Off and sent to JU, knew there was a reason for them waiving my application fee.

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