Tomorrow’s the big day.

One of my roommates up in Wheaton was a waiter. Not a very ethical one, and evidently not one slick enough to accommodate his lack of ethics, but a waiter nonetheless. He kept trying to run a very, very old waiter’s scam, and for whatever reason—which usually was that the managers knew all about this very, very old waiter’s scam—the restaurants would catch him and fire him.

Well, I got an e-mail from him a couple of days ago, and sure enough, he’s been fired from two more restaurants in the six months since I left Illinois. Go figure. The poor schmuck doesn’t earn much money to begin with, gives a good chunk of what he does earn to his son’s mother to stay out of court, and blows most of the rest of it on booze. He can’t list any references when applying for a job because the last job he left for honest reasons was several years ago. It’s pathetic.

I’m reminded of the scene in Shawshank where Andy advises Tommy to switch careers: “You don’t seem to be a very good thief… maybe you should try something else.”

Tomorrow, the Bears will play in the Super Bowl for the first time in years. But something more important and more relevant will occur at kickoff. When the clock starts tomorrow afternoon, it will officially mark the first time both Super Bowl teams have been coached by calm, unassuming bald men whose first names end with a long “E.” It’s about time.

Hopefully the Bears will not be content with merely “getting there,” “playing hard,” or any of that crap. These chances don’t come often and they’d damn well better win. It’s a simple formula: ram the ball down their throats, score early, keep the clock moving and keep the ball away from Peyton Manning. But winning a football game isn’t just about what happenson the field, so the Bears should get some snipers up in the stands. Chicago is home to an awful lot of organized labor and “affiliated organizations”–why not arrange some meetings between said organizations and the Colts?

Win or lose, I think the Bears should fire Ron Turner, their offensive coordinator. Even though they’re 15-3, there have been far too many occasions where they’ve let teams back into games due to stupid playcalling at inopportune times. I think they’ve been getting by on talent, not tactics.

So who’s going to win? Well, the Colts do have 15 wins and an incredible comeback against the Patriots under their belts, and the Bears won’t be able to keep Peyton Manning out of the end zone forever. Thus, I hereby predict that the Colts’ prolific offense will score 24 points while surrendering a mere 19 touchdowns on interception and fumble returns in a 347-24 victory for Chicago.

How glorious it would be to see the Bears win—for me to finally get it right after predicting a Bears’ championship the last 21 years in a row. Just imagine… Rex Grossman taking a knee with a three hundred twenty-three point lead, running the clock down to zeroes at the end of the fourth quarter, the fireworks going off…

…and just before the Lombardi Trophy is handed to Virginia McCaskey, the heretofore unseen Super Bowl “Boss Level” is revealed: the 1985 Chicago Bears materialize on the field! Ditka runs down from the media section and starts chomping away on his gum! Singletary’s mustache pops back into place and his eyes start bugging out of his head! Payton descends from the Heavens and dons his white #34! The Fridge slims back down to 350!

Or perhaps not. Seriously, though—should the Bears win, then when regaling children with tales of the Monsters of the Midway, of George Halas and “Dutch” Sternaman, of “Bulldog” Turner and Ed “The Claw” Sprinkle, of Dick Butkus and Mike Ditka and Ed O’Bradovich and “Mongo” McMichael, of “Bronko” Nagurski, we would be remiss to omit the name “Lovie.”

2 Responses to “Tomorrow’s the big day.”

  1. gatorbob Says:
    February 4th, 2007 at 10:40 AM

Good luck to “Da Bears!”

  1. alwayswet Says:
    February 20th, 2007 at 10:46 PM

so what is the big waiter secret?