Questionnaire 7.

I resort to my favorite crutch once again:

1. WHAT IS YOUR BEST FRIEND’S MOM’S NAME? Mrs.

2. WHERE IS THE WEIRDEST PLACE YOU HAVE A MOLE? On the ring finger of my left hand.

3. WHO WAS THE HOTTEST TEACHER YOU EVER HAD? It was my senior year of college. She was a doctoral student and taught international micro. She was 26-ish, Turkish, dark eyes, curly hair, and she could econ. My God, could she econ. Her first name was Nil, her last name would dislocate your tongue (I will refrain from further tongue-related commentary). It could’ve worked, if I weren’t 19 and if I could have kept my jaw off the floor.

4. HAVE YOU EVER MADE OUT IN A MOVIE THEATER? Yes.

5. WHAT’S THE STRANGEST TALENT YOU HAVE? I can stay awake on any flight no matter how many sleeping pills I take.

6. WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE FLAVORED PRINGLES? Barbeque.

7. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TIED UP? DO YOU WANT TO BE? I don’t think so. No.

8. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU EVER GOT GROUNDED FOR? Probably breaking the garage door windows, but it happened so often they may have run out of punishments.

9. DO YOU PARALLEL PARK OR DRIVE AROUND THE BLOCK? Depends.

10. HAVE YOU EVER HAD TWO DATES IN ONE NIGHT? If they’re at the same time, does it count as two dates or one?

11. HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU BEEN CUSSED OUT? Probably thousands, but rarely to my face.

12. WHICH SHOE DO YOU PUT ON FIRST? I don’t know. If you hadn’t asked, I’d know the answer. If I go to put my shoes on now, I won’t know whether I’m acting naturally. Why did you ask this?

13. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TO A GAY BAR? No, but there was a bar in Clemson that was rumored to have a “Gay Night.” Apparently some straight folks had started the rumor so that on that night, the bar would be less crowded.

14. IS THERE ONE THING ALL OF YOUR LOVE INTERESTS HAVE HAD IN COMMON? There are several things they all had in common. Noses, arms, legs, female reproductive systems, hair, etc. More to your point: all were intelligent, and all had beautiful eyes.

15. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN COW-TIPPING OR SNIPE-HUNTING? No and no, but I’ve snipe-tipped.

16. WHO IS THE LAST PERSON YOU USUALLY THINK ABOUT BEFORE YOU FALL ASLEEP? That is classified.

17. HAVE YOU EVER HAD A POEM OR A SONG WRITTEN ABOUT YOU? Yes, and they weren’t even horrifying.

18. IF YOU HAD TO CHOOSE TO NOT EVER WASH YOUR BED SHEETS AGAIN OR NOT WASH YOUR BATH TOWEL EVER AGAIN, WHICH WOULD YOU CHOOSE? I air-dry better than I air-sleep, so I would have to go with not washing the bath towels.

19. WHAT WAS YOUR CHILDHOOD NICKNAME? Same as my grown-up nickname: “Mr. Viscariello, sir.”

20. WHEN IS THE LAST TIME YOU PLAYED THE AIR GUITAR? In Atlanta traffic last night.

21. WHAT’S THE WEIRDEST THING YOU HAVE DONE WHILE DRIVING? Change my contact lenses.

22. HAVE YOU EVER BITTEN YOUR TOENAILS? No.

23. HOW DO YOU EAT YOUR COOKIE? What cookie? You didn’t say there were cookies. Where are they?

24. WHEN WORKING OUT AT THE GYM, DO YOU WEAR A BELT? No, but then I don’t work out at the gym.

25. NAME SOMETHING YOU DO WHEN YOU’RE ALONE THAT YOU WOULDN’T DO IN FRONT OF OTHERS. Blog.

26. HOW MANY DRINKS DOES IT TAKE BEFORE YOU GET DRUNK? I don’t get drunk. The alcohol knows better than to try.

27. HOW OFTEN DO YOU CLEAN OUT YOUR EARS? Thirteen times a day.

28. DO YOU HAVE ANY STRANGE PHOBIAS? Needles in the crook of the elbow.

29. WHAT IS THE STUPIDEST THING YOU’VE EVER DONE AT A BAR? Try to have a rational discussion with a drunken, screaming, crying bartendress who was cussing me out.

30. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN DARED TO DO SOMETHING YOU TOTALLY REGRETTED? Like, totally? Like, no.

31. HAVE YOU EVER CALLED YOUR LOVE INTEREST BY AN EX’S NAME? Never, but that is one of my great fears (though not a phobia). I get people’s names backwards quite often. I try to make light of it but it’s embarrassing.

32. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN DRUNK AT WORK? Never, unless you mean drunk on the nectar of teaching and the ambrosia of paperwork.

33. HAVE YOU EVER FOUND YOUR DATE’S/LOVER’S SISTER MORE ATTRACTIVE? Nope. I always get the pick of the litter.

34. IS THERE ANYBODY YOU WISH WOULD FALL OFF THE PLANET? Me, because if taken literally doesn’t that mean I could fly?

35. DO YOU WEAR YOUR SEATBELT IN THE CAR? Yes, and I fully endorse seatbelt laws.

36. DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH ON SOMEONE? Yes.

37. NAME ONE THING YOU WORRY ABOUT RUNNING OUT OF. Crisp, cool air.

38. WHAT FAMOUS PERSON DO YOU (OR OTHER PEOPLE) THINK YOU RESEMBLE? I don’t think I resemble any celebrity closely enough to say. However, I have been told that I resemble Anthony Michael Hall (by my sister and her ex-husband, both of whom were drunk), Mel Gibson (hopefully just based on the dark, thinning hairline and not on the anti-Semitism or the Holocaust denial), the guy from Phantom of the Opera (by former students who didn’t realize I wasn’t wearing a mask), and Boris Becker (by an idiot who now runs a major law firm).

39. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PIZZA TOPPING? Pepperoni, black olives, bell peppers.

40. DO YOU CRACK YOUR KNUCKLES? Yes.

41. WHAT SONG DO YOU HATE THE MOST? “I Want You To Want Me” by Cheap Trick. Awful, awful song.

42. DID JUST MENTIONING THAT SONG MAKE IT GET STUCK IN YOUR HEAD? No.

43. WHAT ARE YOUR SUPER POWERS? I cannot get songs stuck in my head.

44. PEPPERMINT OR SPEARMINT? Peppermint.

45. WHERE ARE YOUR CAR KEYS? Over there.

46. WHAT’S YOUR MOST ANNOYING HABIT? I don’t get annoyed by my own habits, so you’ll have to decide for yourself.

47. WHERE DID YOU LAST GO ON VACATION? Augusta and Atlanta to visit old friends. Just got back.

48. WHAT IS YOUR BEST PHYSICAL FEATURE? My earlobes.

49. WHAT THREE THINGS CAN ALWAYS BE FOUND IN YOUR REFRIGERATOR? Raisins, brown sugar, batteries.

50. WHAT SUPERSTITION DO YOU BELIEVE/PRACTICE? As few as possible.

51. WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR BED SHEETS? Blue.

52. WOULD YOU RATHER BE A FISH OR A BIRD? Bird.

53. DO YOU TALK ON YOUR CELLPHONE WHEN YOU DRIVE? Yes.

54. WHAT ARE YOUR FAVORITE SAYINGS? Too many to count, so I’ll just go with “Such is life.”

55. IF YOU COULD GO BACK OR FORWARD IN TIME, WHERE WOULD YOU GO? I’d go back to 1929 with a Herbert Hoover mask and send the real Hoover off to Siberia.

56. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE HARRISON FORD MOVIE? Blade Runner.

57. WHAT CD IS IN YOUR STEREO? A mix CD that my friend “Loopy” gave out at his last soirée.

58. HOW MANY KIDS DO YOU PLAN ON HAVING? Twelve, one for each month of the year.

59. IF YOU COULD KISS ANYONE WHO WOULD IT BE? Lynda Carter circa 1977.

60. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN NO ONE IS WATCHING? Blog. Didn’t we cover this already?

61. IF THEY MADE A MOVIE ABOUT YOUR LIFE, WHAT ACTOR/ACTRESS WOULD BE YOU? Tough call. I’d probably have to go with a CGI version of me, with Andy Serkis doing the motion capture.

62. WOULD YOU RATHER DIE IN A BLAZE OF GLORY OR PEACEFULLY IN YOUR SLEEP? The latter, though I’m not sure one precludes the other.

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