Sleep rotisserie.

Some folks find it incredibly difficult to fall asleep. Part of said difficulty lies in finding a decent sleeping position. Our research team has found that I average 19.1 tosses and 8.3 turns per night before I finally drift off into whatever guilt-ridden apocalyptic nightmare my subconscious has prepared for me. Tossing and turning are attempts to reposition the body in order to induce relaxation. However, doing so often reawakens the poor soul desperately trying to achieve sleep (at least in my case), and makes the whole process that much more difficult.

If we can find a way to even out the tossing and turning– to turn the body at a slow, even pace to avoid the energy spikes associated with a sudden toss or turn– then perhaps we can smooth out the somnolencification curve. Therefore, if such a device has not already been invented, then I propose the creation of the Sleep Rotisserie™.

Imagine a bed that rotates on its longitudinal axis. You would strap yourself in, activate the motor with a remote, and rotate very slowly like a chicken on a spit. You could halt the rotation at any point with the mere press of a button, assuming you’ve found a particular sleep angle you like. It could even include an option to allow you to rock back and forth over a particular set of degrees, similar to an auto-rocking cradle. And if it makes you dizzy, as Irony would demand, then all the dramamine you’d take to alleviate the nausea would help knock you out anyways.

Now that you’re done imagining such a device, go build it and give one to me. If you’ve got a more creative name, or one that’ll sell better, we can talk to the marketing guys.

If such a device has already been invented, please direct me to the store or website where I can buy one. Off to attempt sleep.

7 comments

  1. If you are just rotating the bed with your body strapped to it, then you aren’t really fixing the problem. You toss and turn because your body is uncomfortable in relation to the bed, not the bed in relation to your enviornment. How will changing the position of the bed change how your body feels against the mattress? Perhaps the solution is to design a device that flips the sleeper like a patty, or go with a tempurpedic if you aren’t afraid of the VOCs.

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  2. There are two camps on Tempurpedic – those who love it and those who hate it. I am in the latter camp – it feels like you’re lying on a bed of wet sand.

    Tread carefully.

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  3. I told you. That tempurpedic is wondrous until you realize your slowly sinking into a position you’ll no longer enjoy after ten minutes of sleeplessness. And then you have to create a new hole, that usually merges with the original.

    I rebelled by buying a cheap firm mattress at Ikea… and am being punished for it, too.

    Damn you, tempurpedic.

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  4. @HardCandy: I understand your point though I don’t necessarily agree with it in my case. What if I’m uncomfortable due to lying on my right side too long, and now I want to lie on my left side? That’s not a mattress issue, that’s a body position issue. Also, your nickname disturbs me.

    @Everyone else: I’m very happy with my new mattress, even though it’s not the kind I set out to buy. I am in no danger of purchasing a Tempurpedic mattress anytime soon.

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  5. @V: That was my point; it is a body position issue. I propose a similar idea to your rotisserie. Design the bed to work like a hotdog warmer that you would find in a gas station. The mattress is made of cushioned rollers, not too big to feel the gaps, but not to small to work more like a conveyor belt sending you off the bed. The surfaces of each roller contain embedded sensors that “know” when your body is no longer comfortable in that position through body language or brain waves. Then the rollers slowly spin rolling you over into a new position.

    Secondly, Hard Candy is a great film and a clever, but VERY LOOSE hint to my identity. No worries.

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