The greatest presidential candidate yet.

After more than a dozen debates, countless ads and interviews, oodles of fawning endorsements and myriad scathing critiques, I have selected a favorite presidential candidate: Rick Santorum.

A few months ago, I had the following to say about Rick:

…he seems bitter that he’s not getting as much attention as other folks, and nobody likes bitter (my life is a testament to such). He’s about a month away from acting completely resigned to losing, and I think he’ll drop out after Iowa.

Things haven’t played out that way. Thanks to being the flavor of the month for the anti-Romney and anti-Paul crowds at just the right time, Santorum finished a very strong second in Iowa. Some say that his popularity will drop upon further inspection, as did that of Bachmann, Perry, Cain, and Gingrich. But upon taking the closer look at the candidate that his unexpected success demanded, I realized that Rick is more than just the candidate I am compelled to support in this election.

I realized that Rick Santorum is the greatest candidate for President in the whole entire history of this great country. Thus far.

Careful research has revealed that Rick’s father was Italian, and Rick’s mother is half-Italian and half-Irish. This puts Rick as close to the ideal ethnic composition as we’ve ever seen in a major presidential candidate. Someone may one day come closer, since Aldo Santorum was from Trentino in the northern, lesser part of Italy instead of a vastly superior southern province like Benevento or Potenza.

Lest you think that I’m claiming that DNA is destiny, let me assure you that other factors contribute to his greatness. He lived in northern Virginia in his youth– not in Manassas, but in a pretty OK town I guess– and in a northern suburb of Chicago called Mundelein– which is a little further from Chicago than, say, Wheaton is. It is true that Santorum never lived in New Hampshire, Florida, or South Carolina, but he has compensated by being a far more devout Roman Catholic than the ideal candidate would be.

But what, one might ask, of his stance on the issues? Cutting to the chase, I looked at his stance on the biggest political issue of the last twenty-five years: the appointment of Samuel Alito to the Supreme Court. Senator Santorum voted to confirm Justice Alito. I am on record as heartily supporting Alito’s confirmation.

November 6th is still a long way off. The other candidates, Obama included, may raise their standings through careful preparation. Barring the entrance of a superior candidate into the race, I have no choice but to endorse Rick Santorum for President of the United States of America.

2 comments

  1. The incessant inquiries into my alleged affairs with supermodels, actresses, TV hostesses, and an unnamed billionaire authoress of books that may or may not have been about wizards were too much for my wife and eight kids to bear.

    Like

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