questionnaire

Questionnaire 15.

The following questions come from various sources, and I’m too lazy to link them all here. Here goes:

1. PUT YOUR MUSIC PLAYER OF CHOICE ON SHUFFLE AND LIST THE FIRST 10 SONGS. “Smoke Gets in Your Eyes” (Platters), “Fascination Street” (Cure), “Catcha the Monkey” (dunno the artist), “Don’t Stop Honey” (R.L. Burnside), “One Thing Leads to Another” (Fixx), “In the Cold, Cold Night” (White Stripes), “Only You” (Portishead), “Sweet Jane” (Cowboy Junkies), “Gimme Shelter” (Rolling Stones), “Miss You” (Rolling Stone and Dr. Dre).

2. IF YOU COULD SPEND A WEEK ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD, WHERE WOULD IT BE AND WHY? WOULD YOU TAKE ANYONE WITH YOU? I’d go to Italy to see where most of ancestors came from, to eat in the finest restaurants, to watch some of the most talented footballers play some of the most boring soccer on Earth, to climb the mountains and to walk the beaches. I’d bring a beautiful woman with a lot more money than I have. Fluency in Italian would be unnecessary because they all speak English over there.

3. WHAT IS YOUR PREFERRED WRITING IMPLEMENT? (EG. BLUE PEN, PENCIL, GREEN PEN) Keyboard aside, I’d say a fine-tipped black ballpoint pen.

4. FAVOURITE MONTH AND WHY? November, because it’s the high point of my birthday corridor (October 31st-January 6th).

5. WHICH LIVING PERSON DO YOU MOST DESPISE? Elvis.

6. NAME 3 ITEMS YOU COULD PICK UP FROM WHERE YOU ARE. A History of Economic Thought by William J. Barber. A small red notebook. A fine-tipped black ballpoint pen.

7. WHAT BRAND LOGO IS CLOSEST TO YOU CURRENTLY? Hanes.

8. DO YOU EVER PLAY BOARD GAMES OR OTHER NON-COMPUTER GAMES? GOT ANY FAVOURITES? Chess.

9. A MUSICAL ARTIST YOU LOVE THAT ISN’T WELL KNOWN. R.L. Burnside, rest in peace.

10. A MUSICAL ARTIST YOU LOVE THAT IS WELL KNOWN. Led Zeppelin.

11. WHAT IS YOUR DESKTOP BACKGROUND CURRENTLY? Hold on, let me check… a stock photo of a rocky, hilltopped island across a choppy bay.

12. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO, AND THROUGH WHAT YOU TALKED TO THEM. Some stranger in the elevator. I talked to him through the air.

13. FIRST COLOUR NAME YOU CAN THINK OF THAT ISN’T IN THE RAINBOW. Brown.

14. WHAT TIMEKEEPING DEVICES ARE IN THE ROOM YOU ARE CURRENTLY IN? Computers, cellphones, watches, microwave, stove.

15. WHAT KIND OF HEADPHONES DO YOU USE? White ones.

16. WHAT MUSICAL ARTISTS HAVE YOU SEEN PERFORM LIVE? I’m not a big fan of live performances. The last professionals I saw live were the Von Bondies. That was a while back.

17. WHAT GAMING CONSOLES DO YOU OR YOUR FAMILY OWN? I have a PS3 that serves as little more than a Netflix device.

18. WHAT’S THE BEST JOB YOU’VE EVER HAD? My current job: vice cop posing as high school teacher.

19. WHAT’S THE WORST JOB YOU’VE EVER HAD? For a little less than two weeks, I worked at a call center doing telephone surveys. It was soul-crushing.

20. WHAT MAGAZINES DO YOU READ, IF ANY? None. It’s all online.

21. INSPIRATION BEHIND YOUR URL? It’s… it’s my name.

22. INSPIRATION BEHIND YOUR BLOG TITLE? It started off as “VDV’s Journal”. Then, while trying to update the software, I deleted it. Then it was called “VDV’s Journal, Part II”. It happened twice more, and here we are.

23. FAVOURITE ITEM OF CLOTHING? Back in 1998, I bought a pair of brown Skechers Alley Cats. When they wore out, I bought another pair of brown Skechers Alley Cats. I’m on my fifth pair, I think.

24. ARE YOU FRIENDS WITH ANY EXES? No.

25. WHAT’S YOUR NATIVE LANGUAGE? IF THAT LANGUAGE HAS DISTINCT REGIONAL VARIATIONS, WHICH VARIATION? (EG. AU ENGLISH, US ENGLISH) I speak American English.

26. IS THERE ANYTHING HANGING ON THE WALLS OF THE ROOM YOU ARE CURRENTLY IN? Pictures, drawn and painted.

27. WHAT’S YOUR FAVOURITE NUMBER, AND WHY? Eleven. Here’s why.

28. WHAT DID YOU HAVE FOR DINNER YESTERDAY? Chicken pad thai.

29. HOW OFTEN DO YOU BRUSH YOUR TEETH? At least twice a day.

30. WHAT’S YOUR FAVOURITE CANDY/CHOCOLATE? Tough call. I’m going to go with refrigerated Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, the miniature version. Actually, there’s an even smaller version now, so I mean the smallest version that comes in a foil rapper.

31. IF YOU WERE SUDDENLY REALLY HUNGRY, WHAT WOULD YOU CHOOSE TO EAT? A peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

32. IF YOU COULD STUDY ANYTHING, WHAT WOULD IT BE? Another tough call. Perhaps a foreign language other than Italian. Maybe some more advanced math.

33. HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOUR SENSE OF HUMOUR? Sharp.

34. WHAT THINGS ANNOY YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE? People annoy me more than other types of things do.

35. WHAT KIND OF POSITION ARE YOU IN AT THE MOMENT? I am reclining in my recliner.

36. DO YOU WEAR MUCH JEWELLERY? Nope. Just a watch.

37. WHAT DO YOU CARRY YOUR MONEY IN? My wallet.

38. DO YOU ENJOY DRIVING? WHY OR WHY NOT? I enjoy it sometimes and can’t get out of the car fast enough other times.

39. LONGEST DRIVE YOU HAVE EVER BEEN ON? Jacksonville to Las Cruces, New Mexico and back. One of my northern sojourns might’ve been longer, but those are usually broken up by day-or-two-long visits with friends and family.

40. FURTHEST AWAY FROM HOME YOU HAVE EVER BEEN? San Diego.

41. HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU MOVED HOUSE? I have never moved house. If you mean moved my living quarters from one place to another, that would be a whole bunch of times once you factor in dorm- and apartment-living in Clemson.

42. WHAT IS ON THE FLOOR OF THE ROOM YOU’RE CURRENTLY IN, NOT INCLUDING FURNITURE? Rugs. Doormats. Some cords for the electronics. The ceramic wine chiller that Mole gave me.

43. HOW MANY DEVICES DO YOU OWN WHICH CAN ACCESS THE INTERNET? Five that I can think of.

44. IS THERE IS ANYTHING THAT IS GUARANTEED TO ALWAYS MAKE YOU HAPPY? No.

45. IS THERE ANYTHING THAT ALWAYS MAKES YOU SAD? No.

46. WHAT PROGRAMS DO YOU CURRENTLY HAVE OPEN? Chrome, Google Docs.

47. WHAT DO YOU ASSOCIATE THE COLOUR RED WITH? Blood. Heat. Sauce.

48. LAST STRONG SMELL YOU CAN REMEMBER SMELLING? Bleach.

49. LAST HEALTHY THING YOU ATE? I had some chicken earlier today. Pretty certain it was healthy.

50. DO YOU DRINK TEA OR COFFEE, AND HOW MUCH PER DAY? I drink at least one cup of hot tea a day (with whole milk if possible, with a bit of sugar or none), and a few glasses of unsweetened iced tea a day. I don’t drink coffee.

51. WHAT DO YOU ASSOCIATE THE COLOUR BLUE WITH? Calm. Reason. Fruit.

52. HOW LONG IS THE CLOSEST RULER YOU CAN FIND? lt’s a normal ruler, so twelve inches.

53. WHAT COLOUR PANTS/SKIRT/ETC ARE YOU CURRENTLY WEARING? Navy blue.

54. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU DRANK WATER? Maybe thirty minutes ago.

55. HOW OFTEN DO YOU CLEAR YOUR BROWSER HISTORY? Rarely.

56. DO YOU BELIEVE NUDE PHOTOS CAN BE ARTISTIC, RATHER THAN EROTIC? Yes.

57. EVER WRITTEN FANFICTION FOR ANYTHING? Yes. Many moons ago I wrote fan fiction about myself. I went back in time to stop a man named Winter, who had killed Hitler so he could take over Europe for himself.

58. IF YOU HAD TO MOVE YOUR BIRTHDAY TO ANOTHER DATE, WHICH ONE WOULD YOU CHOOSE AND WHY? January 1st. It’d be easier to keep track of everything, and Christmas would kick off the last week leading up to my birthday.

59. WOULD YOU PREFER TO BE AT A BEACH OR IN THE COUNTRYSIDE? At this moment, the countryside– in a house atop rolling hills, on a cloudless and moonless night, stars dotting the sky– would be a welcome change from waking up to hearing some poor homeless woman screaming “One more time, @#$%^&, one more time! I’LL KILL YOU!”

60. ROUGHLY HOW MANY PEOPLE LIVE IN YOUR TOWN? One million.

61. DO YOU KNOW ANYONE WITH THE SAME BIRTHDAY AS YOU? Yes.

62. FAVOURITE PLACE TO SHOP? CAN BE A CERTAIN STORE OR A PLACE WHERE THERE ARE MULTIPLE STORES? Locally, I’d say a place called “Publix”. They have food there.

63. DO YOU HAVE A SMARTPHONE? WHAT KIND? IF YOU DON’T, DO YOU WANT ONE? I have an iPhone 5.

64. WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVOURITE COLOUR, AND WHY? I don’t have a least favorite color.

65. HOW DO YOU SPELL GREY/GRAY? Depends on my mood. “Grey” suggests a bit more gravitas, but I think “gray” connotes advanced age better.

66. WHEN YOU WASH YOUR HANDS, DO YOU USE THE COLD OR HOT TAP (FAUCET)? Hot.

67. IF YOU HAD TO BE STRAIGHT/GAY FOR A DAY (WHICHEVER YOU’RE CURRENTLY NOT!), WHAT CELEBRITY WOULD YOU MOST LIKE TO TAKE ON A DATE? Sean Connery, because (A) it’s Sean frickin’ Connery, and (B) at his age, nothing untoward would happen.

68. WHAT IS THE BIGGEST INJURY YOU’VE EVER SUSTAINED AND HOW DID YOU DO IT? Tough call. I’ll go with nearly getting crushed between two machines at work as described here.

69. WHAT IS THE MOST UNUSUAL FOOD YOU’VE EVER EATEN? Probably some awful Mexican candy that ended up in the garbage as soon as “Ingrid” wasn’t looking.

70. WHAT IS THE MOST UNIQUE ANIMAL YOU’VE EVER TOUCHED? Either an elephant or a shark. The elephant was alive, the shark was not.

71. WHICH 3 COUNTRIES WOULD YOU LEAST LIKE TO LIVE IN AND WHY? Off the top of my head: North Korea. Singapore. Iran. They’re the first three that came to mind when I thought of repression, though North Korea’s really in a class by itself.

72. IF YOU COULD MAKE JUST ONE CHANGE TO THIS WORLD, WHAT WOULD IT BE AND WHY? People would abide the Golden Rule/Silver Rule/Zero Aggression Principle.

73. IF YOU COULD WAKE UP TOMORROW AND BE FLUENT IN 3 ADDITIONAL LANGUAGES, WHICH WOULD YOU CHOOSE? Spanish, Arabic, Russian.

74. WHICH WOULD YOU RATHER OUT OF THESE 3 OPTIONS? A: BE GOOD LOOKING AND EXTREMELY INTELLIGENT BUT SO POOR YOU LIVE ON THE STREETS. B: BE EXTREMELY INTELLIGENT AND A MILLIONAIRE BUT WHAT SOCIETY CLASSES AS UGLY. OR C: BE GOOD LOOKING AND A MILLIONAIRE BUT EXTREMELY ACADEMICALLY CHALLENGED? WHY? I would want go with Option A because it doesn’t sound like I’d be poor and homeless for long.

75. WHAT ARE THE TOP 10 MOVIES TO MAKE YOU CRY? (OR AT LEAST MAKE YOU SAD!)? I need to name ten? I think I remember being very depressed by The Ordeal of Dr. Mudd when I was a little boy, especially when the prison guard broke some meaningful trinket of Mudd’s. I won’t list any others, lest my enemies use them against me.

76. WOULD YOU RATHER RAISE 25 CHILDREN OR HAVE THE CHANCE OF EVER HAVING CHILDREN TAKEN AWAY? WHY? I’d rather raise 25 children because I know how to delegate authority.

77. WOULD YOU RATHER GO ON A RELAXING BEACH TYPE HOLIDAY TO THE CARIBBEAN, A CULTURAL HOLIDAY TO JAPAN OR AN ADVENTURE PACKED HOLIDAY TO SOUTH AFRICA? Cultural holiday to Japan.

78. IF YOU WENT TO A DESERT ISLAND FOR JUST 6 MONTHS BUT COULD ONLY TAKE ONE ALBUM WITH YOU, WHAT WOULD YOU TAKE? Dark Side of the Moon. A facile but solid choice.

79. PUT THESE IN ORDER OF YOUR FAVOURITE MOVIE GENRE TO LEAST: HORROR, ACTION, THRILLER, ADVENTURE, SUPERHERO, ROMANCE, DRAMA, COMEDY, MUSICAL AND DANCE? No.

80. WHAT DO YOU BELIEVE WE AS HUMAN BEINGS TAKE MOST FOR GRANTED IN THIS WORLD? Oxygen.

81. WHAT IS YOUR IDEA OF PERFECT HAPPINESS? Classified.

82. WHAT IS YOUR MOST MARKED CHARACTERISTIC? Steven Wright thinks I’m low-key.

83. WHAT IS THE TRAIT YOU MOST DEPLORE IN YOURSELF? I don’t actually deplore anything about myself. I could probably be a little more patient with people.

84. ON WHAT OCCASION DO YOU LIE? Whenever I need to defeat an army of androids by gumming up their logic routines.

85. WHAT DO YOU DISLIKE ABOUT YOUR APPEARANCE? One of my fingers doesn’t bend properly. I think it looks strange.

86. WHICH WORDS OR PHRASES DO YOU MOST OVERUSE? “Essentially” and “generally”. It might be neat to make a world cloud for my entire blog and figure it out.

87. WHO IS THE GREATEST LOVE OF YOUR LIFE? If I answer this honestly, half the world’s women would cry out in despair and dash themselves on the rocks beneath the nearest cliffs, but not before leaving some really bad poetry behind. The other half would erupt in rapturous, riotous celebration that would spill into the world’s streets, overwhelm local law enforcement and kill hundreds of thousands, possibly millions, of innocent bystanders. They’d all have their reasons.

88. WHAT DO YOU CONSIDER YOUR GREATEST ACHIEVEMENT? I won 25 consecutive games of paper football in seventh grade. It’s been downhill from there.

89. IF YOU WERE TO DIE AND COME BACK AS A PERSON OR THING, WHAT DO YOU THINK IT WOULD BE? It would be awesome. Reincarnation, proven? Awesome, I say.

90. HOW MANY POSTS DO YOU HAVE? If the counter on my blog’s dash is correct, then this is #596.

Questionnaire 14.

The following questions come from here. I don’t know where that author got the questions from. I’ve answered some of these questions before, so I just included links to the older answers.

1. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE HOBBY? Blogging. It’s the only one I’ve stuck with, even though from time to time writer’s block kicks in.

2. HOW OLD WERE YOU WHEN YOU LEFT SCHOOL? High school: 16. College: 20.

3. WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST PET? When I was born, we had a Siberian Husky named Devil and five seal-point Siamese cats named Waglio (Guaglio), Phoebe, Roscoe, Belinda, and Baby.

4. IF YOU WERE A FRUIT, WHAT KIND WOULD YOU BE? I’m going to go with a grape. Between the wine, the grape juice, the jelly on PB&Js/turkey sandwiches/toast/English muffins, and the actual grapes, that’s probably my most-consumed fruit, so that’s the fruit, based on pre-school logic and mythos, I’m most likely to turn into.

5. IF YOU WERE A DRINK, WHAT KIND WOULD YOU BE? I am water, albeit in some strange packaging for the next 70 to 100 years.

6. HAVE YOU EVER WON A PRIZE? Of course.

7. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE FOOD? See “Questionnaire.”

8. IF YOU RULED THE WORLD, WHAT WOULD BE YOUR FIRST WORDS? “My fellow Americans…” Yes, I know the question specified “WORLD”.

9. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE FILM? See “Questionnaire 3.” Actually, see most of my blog.

10. IF EVERYONE WAS BORN WITHOUT THE UNHAPPY GENE, WOULD YOU BE HAPPY ABOUT THIS? Yes. The answer in the previous iteration of this question (at the above link) was “If everyone was born with one…I wouldn’t have a choice would I?” but that depends on how you interpret the question. I assume the question is talking about clinical depression, not occasional sadness.

11. IF YOU WERE THE OPPOSITE SEX WHICH CELEBRITY WOULD YOU BE? Oprah, minus the giveaways.

12. IF YOU COULD TIME TRAVEL, WHAT TIME WOULD YOU GO TO? Philadelphia, summer of 1787, just to throw my two cents in. The trick is, what would I bring with me to prove to them that I was from the future and therefore knew better?


13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE FLOWER OR PLANT? Whatever wood my house is built out of. Love that stuff.

14. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE NAME? My own.

15. IF YOU WON THE LOTTERY WHAT WOULD YOU BUY? A moat.

16. WHAT WOULD YOU PUT ON YOUR HEADSTONE? My name, date of birth, date of death. Nothing pompous.

17. IF YOU HAD A CHOICE OF ANY ARTWORK FROM REDBUBBLE,WHO/WHAT WOULD IT BE? I have no idea what RedBubble is, despite having taken this survey from their website. Perhaps I owe them a look. Hopefully it’s nothing horrifying.

18. DINNER WITH FIVE: WHO WOULD THEY BE? Milton Friedman, John Maynard Keynes, Karl Marx, James Madison, Carla Gugino.

19. IF YOU WERE A RECIPE WHAT WOULD YOU BE? A peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Simple. Classic.

20. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE ART MEDIUM? Laptop and internet connection.

21. WHO IS YOUR FAVOURITE ARTIST? Jack L. Ahr.

22. NAME THE ONE PLACE YOU WOULD LOVE TO VISIT? I don’t like to visit places. I like to visit people. But if I had to pick a place, I’d say Mars.

23. DO YOU PREFER DAYTIME OR NIGHTIME? I’m a night owl.

24. WHAT IS THE FUNNIEST TYPO YOU HAVE TYPED? My typos are generally no funnier than typing “TGE” instead of “THE”. However, I once made a humorous verbal gaffe in class whilst attempting to say “four bucks”.

25. WHAT IS YOUR EARLIEST MEMORY? The earliest memory that I know was an actual memory was playing hide and seek with my big sister. I think I remember being bathed in the sink in New Hampshire.

26. WHAT WOULD BE YOUR SONG FOR KARAOKE? “Climbatize” by the Prodigy.


27. IF YOU WERE TO WRITE A BOOK, WHAT WOULD BE THE FIRST SENTENCE? See “Questionnaire 8.”

28. WHAT IS YOUR OWN FAVOURITE ART WORK? I was a mediocre art-er at best, but my favorite pieces were the ones that were the most fun to make. Linoleum prints and scratchboards were fun. My favorite-est piece was a painting of my dog Bogie, washed in India ink. The original is missing, but I still have the slides and the images. Here it is, by me at age 13:

Bogie

29. PET PEEVE, WHAT IS IT? People who assume malice where there is likely none.

30. YOUR FAVOURITE TV SHOW? Twin Peaks, even though it completely fell apart in the second season.

31. IF YOU WERE AN ANIMAL, WHICH KIND WOULD YOU BE? A shark. People would generally leave me alone and I (presumably) couldn’t drown.

32. WHAT KIND OF SUPER HERO WOULD YOU BE, WHAT WOULD BE YOUR GIFT? Assuming I can only pick one, I’d keep it simple: telekinesis. That covers a lot of ground.

33. IF YOU COULD CHANGE SOMETHING ABOUT YOURSELF,WHAT WOULD IT BE? I’d change my voice to what I hear in my head instead of what I hear in recordings.

34. IF YOU MET AN ALIEN WHAT WOULD YOUR FIRST WORDS BE? I’d say all those nice things about peace and harmony while coughing on it in hopes that Earth germs will kill it. Better safe than sorry.

35. WHAT IS YOUR BEST SUBJECT FOR YOUR ARTWORK? Generic sailing ships. I doodle them often.

36. IF YOU SEEN A UFO WOULD IT CHANGE YOUR LIFE? Yes. I’d have one more story to tell.

37. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING THAT YOU LAUGHED ABOUT? Playing with my year-old first-cousin-twice-removed the other day. He got in a box and I slid it around on the floor like he was driving.


38. DO YOU BELIEVE IN THE AFTER-LIFE? One way or another, there will be life after I die.

39. DO YOU BELIEVE IN RE-INCARNATION, IF SO, WHAT WOULD YOU COME BACK AS? No. But if I were reincarnated, I would presumably come back as a human.

40. WHAT IS THE OLDEST POSSESION YOU HAVE? I have an Italian Bible from the 1890s. I will inherit even older items one day.

41. HAVE YOU GOT ANY TATTOO’S, WHERE WOULD YOU HAVE ONE? I have no tattoos. If I had to get one, it would be two sets of simple medical data and instructions on my chest and back. I figure that way, the data/instructions can’t be lost in an amputation, and if the medics don’t want to turn me over for fear of worsening the injury, they’ll still have my info.

42. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE BOOK? The Invisible Heart by Russell Roberts.

43. IF REDBUBBLE HAD ITS OWN TV CHANNEL WOULD YOU STILL BE ONLINE OR BOTH? This is the first I’ve heard of RedBubble, so this question has no meaning to me. I feel no guilt.

44. SEA OR LAND? Land. I get motion-sick too easily to enjoy the sea.

45. WHAT IS THE MOST BIZARRE THING TO HAPPEN TO YOU? In 2001, my roommate offered me $25 to kill him so that he wouldn’t go to Hell for having committed suicide.

46. IF YOU WERE A FAIRY TALE WHAT ONE WOULD YOU BE? I’d be Hansel. He ate well and survived.


47. WHAT IS THE MOST FUNNIEST, HUMOUROUS THING THAT HAS HAPPENED TO YOU. “Most funniest”? Come on. Who writes like that?

48. WHAT IS THE LONGEST TIME YOU HAVE WENT WITHOUT SLEEP? That I can think of? 40-something hours, back in college. Stayed up all night discussing philosophy with Mole and a kid I’ll call McGolden, who was my friend Winter’s arch-nemesis (in Winter’s head, at least)– you had to be there.

49. WHAT IS THE BEST THING THAT YOU LOVE ABOUT REDBUBBLE? So far? This survey, because I have nothing else to go on.

50. DID YOU LIKE THIS QUESTIONAIRE? Meh.

Questionnaire 13.

As I run up against my weekly deadline, I resort yet again to a questionnaire. The following questionnaire was adapted from this website right here, which plucked it from somewhere else on the internet, which plucked it from a series of newspaper articles… I’m not going to track down the source. Here goes:

1. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ROOM IN YOUR HOUSE AND WHY? The library. I love everything about it. I love sitting in my new recliner under a modern lamp and inhaling that fresh print smell before reading under the bright fluorescent light from my mod lamp. I love lighting up the fireplace, sitting in my ancient high-backed leather-tufted chair and flipping through a musty, gilt-edged classic while sipping fifty-year old whiskey and smoking a cigar. I love the oil paintings depicting the exploits of my distant ancestor, Vincent Tibère le Biscardi. I love gazing upon shelf after shelf of the books I’ve collected and bought and inherited, and sometimes I’ll climb up the brass-handled rolling ladder to the second level just to count all my copies of The Wealth of Nations or Crime and Punishment, or to gaze down upon the forty-foot Waldseemüller map rug– or just to stand up there and think.

2. WHAT IS SOMETHING YOU MISS FROM YOUR CHILDHOOD? I miss snow. We lived in New Hampshire ’til 1980 and Virginia ’til 1985. They have snow up there.

3. WHO WAS THE MOST IMPORTANT ADULT PERSON, OTHER THAN YOUR PARENTS, IN YOUR LIFE GROWING UP AND WHY? My grandfather. When I grew up, I wanted to be just like him except a lot younger.

4. WHAT WAS YOUR CHILDHOOD DREAM PROFESSION AND WOULD YOU STILL WANT TO DO IT? I kinda sorta wanted to be an astronaut or join the navy. That was before I understood motion sickness.

5. IF YOU WERE TO GIVE YOURSELF A NEW NAME WHAT WOULD IT BE AND WHY WOULD YOU CHOOSE IT? Something short and simple that I wouldn’t have to repeat and explain to people, like “Tom Jones” or “Bob Evans” or “Dave Thomas.”

6. WHAT IS YOUR FIRST MEMORY? I think I remember being bathed in the sink, but that could be a product of imagination. My earliest memory that I know for sure wasn’t fabricated was playing hide-and-seek with my big sister. I hid in her closet and looked out through the slats. When she opened the door she managed to poke me in the eye.

7. NAME AN EVERYDAY HERO IN YOUR LIFE – SOMEONE WHO SEEMS TO SAVE YOUR DAY WHEN YOU NEED IT. Whoever makes sure the microwave in the faculty lounge is still working. Without that person, I couldn’t have my tea every day. Thank you, kind stranger.

8. WHY DO YOU LIVE IN THE CITY (COUNTRY) YOU DO? AND WHAT ARE SOME OF YOUR FAVORITE ‘HAUNTS’? I live in America because I was born here and I like it here. It’s not complicated. I don’t haunt anyplace, for I am not a ghost.

9. IF YOU COULD TRY ANY PROFESSION FOR ONE DAY, WHAT WOULD IT BE? Script editor. I’m not a very creative person, but I think I could tighten up (or drag out, if necessary) a good bit of what I see and hear in movies and TV shows.

10. WHAT IS YOUR BEST QUALITY AND WHY? I don’t like to brag, but I don’t like to brag.

11. NAME FIVE LUXURIES OF YOUR DAILY LIFE AND WHY DO YOU LIKE/USE THEM? First: My car. All but a handful of my ancestors had to walk everywhere. Second: My MacBook. Non-Macs seem to take forever to start up and shut down, and waiting for either process is not the ideal way to dither away what precious few seconds I have on this Earth. Third: My recliner. I enjoy sitting down. Fourth: Tea. It tastes good. Fifth: My contact lenses. I’ve enjoyed seeing stuff so far, and the contacts make it easier. They’re a lot more convenient than glasses, generally.

12. WHAT 5 THINGS WOULD YOU TAKE TO A DESERTED ISLAND? Assuming I’m going to be stuck there a while: a big honkin’ knife, a lot of matches, a heavy plastic sheet for protection from the rain, some sort of water filter, some sort of all-purpose pot or pan.

13A. NAME A TALENT YOU WISH YOU HAD. I wish I could breathe better.

13B. NAME ONE TALENT YOU DO HAVE. I can look bored under any circumstances.

14. WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOU HAD A FREE DAY TO DO ANYTHING? We’ll find out come Monday. That’s spring break.

15. WHAT QUALITIES HAVE YOU PASSED ON TO YOUR CHILDREN? Raffaele Thomas is an old soul and loves books. Roscoe Waglio is clever and enjoys pranks. Teresa Angelina is respectful to her elders and is a minimalist. Junior has a nasal voice.

16. WHEN SOMETHING HAPPENS TO YOU, HOW DO YOU DETERMINE WHETHER IT IS A GOOD THING OR A BAD THING? Does it work in my favor? Yes? Then it is good.

17. WHAT DO YOU KNOW FOR CERTAIN? Cogito, ergo sum. Cogito.

18. WHAT IS THE NO. 1 THING YOU WOULD LIKE YOUR CHILDREN TO KNOW OR UNDERSTAND? English.

19. ONE MEMORY FROM EACH OF YOUR CHILDREN’S BIRTHS. Passing out, all four times.

20. FAVORITE MOVIE GROWING UP/FAVORITE MOVIE NOW. Star Trek II for both, for reasons I have discussed ad nauseum. In short: because it’s awesome.

21. WHEN DID YOU THINK YOU WERE IN LOVE FOR THE FIRST TIME? WITH WHOM? I suppose that growing up each time is more intense than the last time, so you tend to think that the current time is the first time you were really in love. Notice I’m weaseling my way out of this one because the last time I wrote about her she tracked me down from the other side of the planet.

22. WHEN /HOW DID YOU HAVE YOUR FIRST BROKEN HEART? Forget it– it’s still too painful.

23. WHAT ARE YOU MOST PASSIONATE ABOUT? Life— every day, dawn heralds a new journey, and dusk means it’s time to rest up for the next day’s venture. Life, and Portillo’s.

24. NAME A TIME WHEN YOU SACRIFICED SOMETHING FOR SOMEONE ELSE. I can’t afford to make idle people merry. I help to support the establishments… they cost enough; and those who are badly off must go there.

25. HAVE YOU HAD JOY IN YOUR LIFE? Certainly.

26. HAVE YOU BROUGHT JOY TO OTHERS IN YOUR LIFE? If not, tough noogie.

27. WHO WAS/WERE YOUR BEST FRIEND(S) GROWING UP? My best friends were, and are, the ones I made in college. It’s nearly 20 years since I met the first of them, and I’m grateful that they still speak to me.

28. WHERE DID YOU GO TO DAYDREAM WHEN YOU WERE YOUNG? WHERE DO YOU GO AS AN ADULT? In both cases: wherever I happened/happen to be.

29. WHAT DID YOU PLAN TO DO WITH WITH YOUR LIFE? I had no concrete plans until I was nearly killed in an industrial accident in 1999. After the stars cleared, a very specific plan was formulated within seconds.

30. HAVE YOU ACCOMPLISHED ALL YOUR PLANS? HOW? OR WHY NOT? Not yet, but as the time draws near, you puny mortals shall– I mean, no.

31. HOW DO YOU INTERPRET THE WORD ADMONITION? To admonish is to warn and advise someone. I don’t like being admonished. Just give me advice.

32. HOW DO YOU FEEL WHEN YOU ‘COLOR OUTSIDE THE LINES’? Pretty dumb, actually. It’s not a difficult skill, just hold the crayon careful and don’t rush– the drawing isn’t going anywhere. This is not a metaphor.

33. WHAT MUSICAL STYLE BEST REPRESENTS YOUR LIFE? Blues. Plodding but amusing.

34. DESCRIBE YOUR FAVORITE CHILDHOOD MEAL. A peanut butter and jelly sandwich. It’s pretty self-explanatory.

35. LOOK OUT YOUR WINDOW TODAY AND DESCRIBE WHAT YOU FEEL. It’s dark, and I need to finish getting this typed ASAP. I need sleep.

36. RECALL AND DESCRIBE YOUR FAVORITE GRADE SCHOOL TEACHER. I guess it would be my kindergarten teacher, because she’s the only one I don’t remember getting mad at.

37. WHAT DID YOU LIKE BEST ABOUT YOURSELF DURING YOUR TEEN YEARS? Being in college.

38. DESCRIBE THE CONTENTS OF THE FRONT SEAT OF YOUR CAR (VEHICLE). There is nothing on the front seat of my car. It is clean. That’s a point of pride.

39. WHAT IS THE ODDEST THING YOU CARRY IN YOUR PURSE AND WHY DO YOU CARRY IT WITH YOU? I… I don’t have a purse.

40. NAME AN OBJECT THAT YOU HAVE INHERITED (OR HOPE TO INHERIT) AND WHY IT IS SPECIAL TO YOU. I have my grandfather’s last wallet. It’s a black compact vertical billfold. He gave it to me a few months before he died, and his name is still burned into the plastic, which is nifty because it’s two-thirds of my name.

41. DESCRIBE ONE OF YOUR FAVORITE PETS – PAST OR PRESENT. My family’s first dog was a Siberian husky named Devil. He was black and white and furry. We had him until a year or two after we moved to Florida. He was old by that time, and the old guy and that thick coat of fur just weren’t made for Florida. He was a good boy.

42. DESCRIBE A PLACE YOU VISITED THAT TOUCHED A PART OF YOU, WHETHER YOU EVER WANTED TO LIVE THERE, OR JUST VISIT. WHAT AWAKENED IN YOU WHEN YOU VISITED? Some time ago, I’d visit “Ingrid Bergman” in Flat Rock, North Carolina. She lived in an older development, in a very hilly, very wooded area. Going to see her was like going back in time, partly because she was from a very old-fashioned family and partly because of her house, which had an interior that dated from the late 1970s. The wallpaper, the walls, the furnishings, and the appliances reminded me of the homes I lived in when I was very young. Driving up Route 25 to get there, I’d go over a particular hump in the road, see the low mountains rise over the horizon, hit a certain elevation and feel my ears pop– and honest to God, I actually looked forward to that moment, because it meant I was getting closer to Ingrid and to that very homey place. Driving back to Clemson was like waking up from a pleasant dream, realizing that it wasn’t real, and despairing at having to get ready for work.

43. WHAT QUESTION DO YOU DREAD IN SMALL TALK – AND WHY? I don’t really dread any bit of small talk. It’s small talk— the whole point of it is that it’s innocuous.

44. WHAT WERE YOUR FAVORITE CHILDHOOD GAMES, PLAYGROUND EQUIPMENT, ETC? I liked a few video games, but my favorite piece of playground equipment was the cylindrical jungle gym. It was a perfect make-believe spaceship. It was probably torn down years ago for having sharp edges, or asbestos or lead paint or something.

45. WHAT WOULD YOUR 16YR OF SELF BE MOST SHOCKED ABOUT YOU NOW? That I was as tall as I was ever going to get.

46. WHAT KIND OF ART INSPIRES YOU? …Good art?

47. WHAT IS YOUR CELEBRATION FOOD OF CHOICE? I don’t have a go-to celebration food. I view every meal I eat as a reward for a job well-done.

Questionnaire 12.

Running low on time before I have to post, so here’s old reliable: a questionnaire plucked from online.

1. ARE YOU YOUNG AT HEART, OR AN OLD SOUL? I’ve been told the latter more than the former. That I’ve phrased it that way should tell you which is accurate.

2. WHAT MAKES SOMEONE A BEST FRIEND? The most important factor is time. Go from there.

3. WHAT CHRISTMAS (OR HANUKKAH) PRESENT DO YOU REMEMBER THE MOST? I remember a few birthday gifts and an Easter gift, but I can’t remember any particular gift as being given on Christmas or Hanukkah. In fact, I’ve never received a Hanukkah gift, which is odd.

4. TELL ME ABOUT A MOVIE/SONG/TV SHOW/PLAY/BOOK THAT HAS CHANGED YOUR LIFE. In an early episode of Twin Peaks, Cooper told Truman, “Every day, once a day, give yourself a present. Don’t plan it. Don’t wait for it. Just let it happen. It could be a new shirt at the men’s store, a catnap in your office chair, or two cups of good, hot black coffee.” I don’t drink coffee, but a nap will do in a pinch.

5. NAME A MOVIE THAT YOU KNEW WOULD BE TERRIBLE JUST FROM READING THE TITLE. American Psycho 2.

6. WHAT HOLIDAY DO YOU MOST LOOK FORWARD TO? Thanksgiving, because it’s my birthday.

7. HOW IS THE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR PARENTS? The age gap has held constant since we first met, but I’ve caught up heightwise.

8. YOU’VE GOT THE TV ON, BUT YOU’RE NOT REALLY WATCHING. WHAT CHANNEL IS THE TV ON? The channel with football on it.

9. NAME A SONG THAT NEVER FAILS TO MAKE YOU HAPPY. “Grass Roots” by Havalina Rail Co. I don’t listen to it that often.

10. YOU KNOW AT LEAST ONE PERSON NAMED MICHAEL. TELL ME ABOUT HIM. He was a buddy from Clemson. Just about the time he started to act like a decent human being, he got in a car wreck that wiped 15 to 20 years off his memory. He didn’t know his wife or kids. He didn’t know his high school, college, or work buddies. He acted like a little kid. But he slowly started to recover, and from what I can tell he’s functioning like a high-schooler now.

11. HAVE YOU EVER READ THE “MISSED CONNECTIONS” ON CRAIGSLIST? HAVE YOU EVER POSTED ONE, OR WANTED TO? No and no.

12. CAN MONEY BUY HAPPINESS? It can try.

13. DO YOU DRINK? SMOKE? DO DRUGS? WHY, OR WHY NOT? I don’t smoke because I have enough trouble breathing. I don’t do drugs because I have enough trouble thinking and keeping my heart beating. I drink a little because steaks and pasta aren’t going to wash themselves down.

14. IS THERE ANYONE CLOSE TO YOU THAT YOU KNOW YOU CAN’T TRUST? YOU DON’T HAVE TO GIVE NAMES. Yes, but they’re being closely monitored.

15. WHERE WAS YOUR FAVORITE PLACE TO GO WHEN YOU WERE A LITTLE KID? The tall jungle gym at my elementary school in Virginia. It doubled as a spaceship.

16. DO YOU ENJOY BEING WITH ONLY ONE OR TWO FRIENDS, OR WITH A LARGE GROUP OF PEOPLE? Depends on the friends and the group. But all else being equal, I prefer being with only one or two friends. Fewer witnesses.

17. DO YOU LIKE THE TYPE OF MUSIC YOUR PARENTS LISTEN TO? My parents’ musical preferences are generally tolerable.

18. DO YOUR PARENTS LIKE THE TYPE OF MUSIC YOU LISTEN TO? Who cares?

19. IF YOU COULD ONLY EAT ONE THING FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE, WHAT WOULD IT BE? Slop (elbow macaroni with meat sauce).

20. WOULD YOU CALL YOURSELF/YOUR FAMILY “MIDDLE CLASS?” Yes.

21. NAME A TV SERIES YOU DIDN’T ENJOY UNTIL AFTER IT ENDED. There are several that I didn’t even start watching until after it ended. The original Star Trek, Twin Peaks, The Wire, Arrested Development come to mind.

22. HAVE YOU EVER BOUGHT A PRODUCT FROM AN INFOMERCIAL? Does a George Foreman grill count?

23. IF YOU COULD GIVE UP YOUR CAR AND NEVER HAVE TO DRIVE AGAIN, WOULD YOU? Only if I could afford to be chauffeured around for the rest of my life.

24. IF YOU GO BACK TO ONE POINT IN TIME TO GIVE ADVICE TO YOURSELF, WHEN WOULD YOU GO AND WHAT WOULD YOU SAY? Spring 1996. Skip the steak dinner. Go with Martha.

25. WHAT’S YOUR “QUIRKIEST” HABIT? I make sure the fridge is closed before turning in for the evening.

26. SOMEONE CLOSE TO YOU IS DYING. YOU HAVE THE CHOICE TO LET THIS PERSON LIVE FOR 10 MORE YEARS, BUT IF YOU DO, YOU CAUSE THE DEATH OF 10 STRANGERS. YOU DON’T HAVE TO SEE THEM DIE. DO YOU TAKE THE OFFER? Tough call. Too many variables. Who are the strangers? Could I pick them? Because I must confess that I’d kill ten bad guys in order to extend the life of a loved one. But even then, it’d depend on the age and condition of the dying– he or she might not want ten more years.

27. WHAT IS ONE THING YOU COULD NEVER FORGIVE? The unforgiven has already been informed.

28. WOULD YOU RATHER BE IN A RELATIONSHIP AFTER THE HONEYMOON PERIOD ENDS, OR BE SINGLE? In the relationship. A wise man once said that life goes on long after the thrill of living is gone.

29. WRITE THE FIRST PARAGRAPH OF YOUR OBITUARY. Here goes:

VISCARIELLO, Vincent Dominic, 128, declared dead April 4, 2105 (Mars 80/9/495). Mr. Viscariello disappeared from his suite in the Caveside Hilton at the Coca-Cola/ZeitBank Arsia Mons Colony on April 1, 2104 (Mars 80/3/137) and was declared dead in absentia upon petition by his family. In lieu of flowers, please send donations to the Orinthius Octavian Winterbourne Foundation for Economic Education.

30. DO YOU WANT TO HAVE MORE FRIENDS THAN YOU HAVE RIGHT NOW? I’m okay with the number of friends I have now.

31. WHAT PART OF THE PAST YEAR STICKS OUT IN YOUR MIND? Seeing my niece.

32. YOU WIN A SCRATCH-OFF LOTTERY GAME THAT GIVES YOU $2000 A WEEK (AFTER TAXES) FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. DO YOU KEEP YOUR JOB? $104,000 a year? I might hang on to my job, just in case that two grand isn’t going to be adjusted for inflation.

33. COULD YOU BE IN A LONG-DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP? IF YOU’RE IN ONE, WHAT MAKES YOURS WORK? Not easily. Not applicable.

34. WHAT’S THE BEST ROUTE TO YOUR HEART? Up under the sternum.

35. HAVE YOU EVER MET SOMEONE THROUGH THE INTERNET, THEN MET THEM IN REAL LIFE? Yes.

36. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SPORT? Soccer.

37. WHAT HAS BEEN TROUBLING YOU LATELY? Back.

38. DID YOU ENJOY YOUR HIGH SCHOOL PROM? IF YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN THERE YET, DO YOU LOOK FORWARD TO IT? IF YOU DIDN’T GO, WHY NOT? I didn’t go because I attended a soccer tournament, which we won by defeating a much-hated arch-rival. I scored either the most or the second-most goals for my team in that tournament.

39. WHAT DO YOU USE MORE OFTEN: YOUR INTUITION OR LOGICAL REASONING? Reasoning, but even my intuition is pretty darned logical.

40. WHAT IS THE NICEST COMPLIMENT YOU’VE EVER BEEN GIVEN? [Redacted]

41. WHO WAS YOUR FIRST CRUSH? A girl named Tracy.

42. DO YOU BELIEVE THAT THERE IS LIFE ON OTHER PLANETS? Yes, for now.

43. PREDICT WHAT YOUR LIFE WILL LOOK LIKE A YEAR FROM NOW. Pretty darned similar to now, except in a different house.

44. OFTEN, PEOPLE WILL ASK HOW YOUR LAST RELATIONSHIP ENDED. I WANT TO KNOW HOW IT BEGAN. In a bookstore.

45. WHERE IS YOUR FAVORITE PLACE TO GO OUT AND EAT? Portillo’s.

46. EARLY BIRD OR NIGHT OWL? Night owl.

47. WHAT IS SOMETHING YOU WANT TO CHANGE ABOUT YOUR CURRENT SITUATION? I’d rather be an early bird.

48. ARE THERE ANY CHILDHOOD POSSESSIONS YOU STILL HOLD ON TO? Certainly.

49. GIVE ME AN UNPOPULAR OPINION YOU HAVE. Just one? We should have more states.

50. WHAT WAS THE LAST SONG THAT WAS STUCK IN YOUR HEAD? “I’m not like everybody else,” by the Kinks.

51. WHERE DO YOU LIVE? BE AS GENERAL OR SPECIFIC AS YOU WANT. Inside the Oort Cloud.

52. DO YOU BELIEVE IN GIVING KIDS MEDALS AND TROPHIES FOR PARTICIPATION? No. Maybe certificates.

53. WHAT WAS THE LONGEST CAR RIDE YOU’VE EVER TAKEN? Drove to El Paso and back, although some of my sojourns to the northeast and out to Chicago and back may have technically been longer.

54. HAVE YOU EVER TAKEN PART IN A PROTEST? Yes.

55. WHAT IS YOUR ETHNIC HERITAGE? Depends on who you ask. I say three-quarters Italian, one-quarter Irish.

56. DESCRIBE A PERSON THAT INSPIRES YOU.

57. IF YOU EARN MINIMUM WAGE DOING WHAT YOU LOVE, WOULD YOU? If it were running the multimillion dollar business that I own and that’s rapidly rising in value, then yes.

58. DO YOU BELIEVE IN LUCK? Yes.

59. DESCRIBE THE LAST TIME YOU WERE VERY ANGRY AT SOMEONE. I’d rather not, so that the next time, my target is totally unprepared.

60. DO YOU WANT TO LIVE UNTIL YOU’RE 100? Yes.

61. DO PEOPLE CHANGE? IF SO, HOW DO YOU KEEP A RELATIONSHIP TOGETHER WHEN BOTH OF YOU START TO CHANGE? Yes. Work and love.

62. HAVE YOU EVER RISKED A FRIENDSHIP BY TELLING SOMEONE YOU LIKED THEM? Yes.

63. WOULD YOU RATHER BE ALONE DOING SOMETHING YOU ENJOY, OR DOING SOMETHING YOU DON’T LIKE WITH YOUR BEST FRIENDS? The latter.

64. DO YOU PRACTICE WHAT YOU PREACH? Generally.

65. IF YOU TAKE PRECAUTIONS TO STAY SAFE, DO YOU ULTIMATELY ACT MORE RECKLESSLY? Yes. This is almost true by definition, and the phenomenon is not unknown to those of us who study econ.

66. WHAT DO YOU VALUE MORE IN A SIGNIFICANT OTHER: ATTRACTIVENESS OR INTELLIGENCE? Intelligence is part of the attraction, so intelligence.

67. ARE YOU HARD-HEADED? Yes.

68. HAVE YOU EVER LAUGHED UNCONTROLLABLY WHEN IT WAS SOCIALLY INAPPROPRIATE? Yes.

69. WOULD YOU PREFER TO LIVE? A CITY? THE SUBURBS? THE COUNTRYSIDE? THE MOUNTAINS? Suburbs, especially if equidistant from the city, the countryside, and the mountains.

70. DO YOU OFTEN SKIP BREAKFAST? I’d say 95% of the time.

71. HOW DO YOU KNOW WHAT TRUE LOVE IS? I can’t tell you, but it lasts forever. (The lyrics don’t exactly match, but whatever.)

72. WOULD YOU WANT TO KNOW THE EXACT DATE AND TIME YOU WERE GOING TO DIE? Yes.

73. WHERE IS “HOME” FOR YOU? Nice try, stalker.

74. DO YOU WANT TO BE PERFECT? “Want to be”?

75. WHAT HAVE YOU NEVER TRIED, BUT WOULD REALLY LIKE TO SOMEDAY? WHAT’S HOLDING YOU BACK? Flying a plane. I haven’t been diagnosed with a terminal illness yet.

76. HOW DO YOU EXPRESS YOUR CREATIVITY? This here blog’s about as close to creativity as I get.

77. DESCRIBE YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD. I’m not going to fall for this.

78. NAME SOMETHING YOU ONLY LIKED BECAUSE IT WAS POPULAR. I’d have to dig around the old memory palace before finding an answer. I realized a very long time ago that “fitting in” isn’t me.

79. GIVE ME THE STORY OF YOUR LIFE IN SIX WORDS. “Mind your own damn business. Please.”

Questionnaire 11.

With about 45 minutes left to avoid violating my writing resolution, I lean yet again on my favorite crutch: the questionnaire. This one, like the last few, draws from multiple sources.

1. ONE OF YOUR SCARS, HOW DID YOU GET IT? Surgery to remove a lymph node.

2. WHAT IS ON THE WALLS IN YOUR ROOM? Paint.

3. WHAT DOES YOUR CELL PHONE LOOK LIKE? A black rectangular hexahedron with buttons.

4. WHAT MUSIC DO YOU LISTEN TO? Many different kinds. I was recently introduced to Pandora’s instrumental hip hop channel, which was good for background noise until I realized that about a third of their “instrumentals” include singing.

5. DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME YOU WERE BORN? Yes, I do.

6. WHAT DO YOU WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING RIGHT NOW? To sleep well.

7. WHAT DO YOU MISS? I never miss.

8. WHAT IS YOUR MOST PRIZED POSSESSION/S? Tough call. What would I be most upset about losing… probably my grandfather’s wallet.

9. WHAT IS YOUR ZODIAC SIGN? Gemitarius.

10. DO YOU GET CLAUSTROPHOBIC? No. I get mad.

11. DO YOU GET SCARED IN THE DARK? When I was a little boy, I did. Then I resolved to kill anything that messes with me in the dark, and I slept far more soundly.

12. THE LAST PERSON TO MAKE YOU CRY? Mr. Hooper, when he died.

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE COLOGNE/PERFUME? Soap.

14. WHAT KIND OF HAIR/EYE COLOR DO YOU LIKE ON THE OPPOSITE SEX? I generally like women with longish hair and white sclerae.

15. WHERE CAN YOU SEE YOURSELF BEING PROPOSED TO? Being a man, I generally don’t see myself being proposed to. However, I shall one day propose to my sweet patootie atop a live volcano after besting my arch nemesis in mortal combat.

16. COFFEE OR ENERGY DRINK? If I have to pick one, coffee. Lots of cream and a little sugar.

17. WHAT ARE YOUR FAVORITE PIZZA TOPPINGS? Aside from the cheese and the sauce? Pepperoni, Italian sausage, black olives, green bell peppers.

18. IF YOU CAN EAT ANYTHING RIGHT NOW, WHAT WOULD IT BE? More steak.

19. WHO IS THE LAST PERSON YOU MADE MAD? Don’t want to think about it.

20. WHAT WAS THE FIRST GIFT SOMEONE EVER GAVE YOU? That I can remember? I vaguely remember some small, fuzzy puppets, but I can’t quite remember the occasion. It was either after I burned my hands on the wood stove or after the first time I ate macaroni with meat and tomato sauce.

21. DO YOU LIKE ANYBODY? Of course.

22. ARE YOU DOUBLE JOINTED? Not yet.

23. FAVORITE CLOTHING BRAND? I guess adidas, because historically they have made the cleats that fit my feet best.

24. WHAT’S YOUR DREAM CAR? My current car is my dream car. The more I think about it, the more I think it looks like a blend of my last two cars.

25. DO YOU HAVE A PET RIGHT NOW? No.

26. WHAT KIND IS IT? Um, no.

27. WOULD YOU FALL IN LOVE KNOWING THAT THE PERSON IS LEAVING? Not intentionally, but I s’pose that’s why it’s called “falling.” It’s unintentional.

28. WHAT IS THE BEST WAY TO TELL SOMEONE HOW MUCH THEY MEAN TO YOU? A PowerPoint with lots and lots of graphs.

29. SAY A NUMBER FROM ONE TO A HUNDRED: Hold on… done. It was ninety-three.

30. BLONDES OR BRUNETTES? Yes.

31. WHAT IS THE ONE NUMBER YOU CALL OFTEN? Voicemail.

32. WHAT ANNOYS YOU MOST? Why, so you can use it against me? Nice try.

33. HAVE YOU BEEN OUT OF YOUR COUNTRY? No.

34. YOUR WEAKNESSES? It turns out that I handle most life-threatening injuries far better than scratches on my eyeballs.

35. FIRST JOB? Clerk at the Soccer Stop in Baymeadows/Mandarin.

36. EVER DONE A PRANK CALL? Yes, in 1989.

37. WHAT WHERE YOU DOING BEFORE YOU FILLED OUT THIS? Recording grades.

38. IF YOU COULD GET PLASTIC SURGERY WHAT WOULD IT BE? It would be vain.

39. WHY DID YOU FILL OUT THIS SURVEY? Needed to get an entry in before midnight.

40. WHAT DO YOU GET COMPLIMENTED ABOUT MOST? My appearance, behavior, thoughts, and reputation.

41. WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF ALCOHOL BECAME ILLEGAL? Get re-prohibition re-repealed.

42. WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY? Cake.

43. HOW MANY KIDS DO YOU WANT? Twelve: one for each month.

44. DO YOU WISH ON STARS? No. I wish right here.

45. WHAT DID YOU DO THIS MORNING? Awaken, drink some tea, do some paperwork.

46. WHAT DID YOU LAST EAT? Flank steak.

47. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? Usually not.

48. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? Roast beef.

49. ANY BAD HABITS? Yup. I go way too long without cleaning my refrigerator coils.

50. WHAT IS YOUR MOST EMBARRASSING CD ON THE SHELF? Each of my CDs is an embodiment of timelessness. Each track on each of those CDs makes people go, “Oh my God, I haven’t heard this in like forever! This was my favorite song!” Thus I am not ashamed of any of my CDs.

51. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? Maybe.

52. HAVE YOU EVER TOLD A SECRET YOU SWORE NOT TO TELL? I’m sorry, I can’t say.

53. DO LOOKS MATTER? Yes.

54. HOW DO YOU RELEASE ANGER? Memorably.

55. WHERE IS YOUR SECOND HOME? Clemson.

56. WHAT ARE YOU WEARING? Black shirt, black shorts, glasses.

57. HOW MANY NUMBERS ARE IN YOUR CELL PHONE? 168.

58. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN A MOSH PIT? No.

59. WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR? Chocolate.

60. WHAT ARE YOUR FAVORITE COLOR(S)? Those with wavelengths between 389 and 754 nanometers.

61. HOW MANY WISDOM TEETH DO YOU HAVE? Three.

62. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO? Sunday Night Football.

63. LAST THING YOU DRANK? Ginger ale.

64. FAVORITE THOUGHT PROVOKING SONG? “Second Skin,” the Chameleons.

65. FAVORITE THING TO HATE? Commie Nazis.

66. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SPORT? Soccer.

67. DO YOU LIKE SUSHI? Some sushi.

68. FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR? First day of jacket weather.

69. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING? A Renegade History of the United States, by Thaddeus Russell.

70. ANYONE IN LOVE WITH YOU? Of course.

71. YOUR BEST FRIEND IS TAKING A NAP ON THE FLOOR OF YOUR LIVING ROOM. SUDDENLY, YOU ARE FACED WITH A BIZARRE EXISTENTIAL PROBLEM: THIS FRIEND IS GOING TO DIE UNLESS YOU KICK THEM (AS HARD AS YOU CAN) IN THE RIB CAGE. IF YOU DON’T KICK THEM WHILE THEY SLUMBER, THEY WILL NEVER WAKE UP. HOWEVER, YOU CAN NEVER EXPLAIN THIS TO YOUR FRIEND; IF YOU LATER INFORM THEM THAT YOU DID THIS TO SAVE THEIR LIFE, THEY WILL ALSO DIE FROM THAT. SO YOU HAVE TO KICK A SLEEPING FRIEND IN THE RIBS, AND YOU CAN’T TELL THEM WHY…SINCE YOU CANNOT TELL YOUR FRIEND THE TRUTH, WHAT EXCUSE WILL YOU FABRICATE TO EXPLAIN THIS (SEEMINGLY INEXPLICABLE) ATTACK? One of two ways:

(A) “If I didn’t kick you, you would have woken up.” Then I wink. “If I ever tell you the real reason I kicked you, then everybody on Earth will die except you.” Then I wink again. “Don’t trust me.” Then I wink one last time and go back to whatever I was doing.

(B) “I thought you were a thief. What are you doing on my floor anyways?”

72. FOR WHATEVER THE REASON, TWO UNAUTHORIZED MOVIES ARE MADE ABOUT YOUR LIFE. THE FIRST IS AN INDEPENDENTLY RELEASED DOCUMENTARY, PRIMARILY COMPRISED OF INTERVIEWS WITH PEOPLE WHO KNOW YOU AND BOOTLEG FOOTAGE FROM YOUR ACTUAL LIFE. CRITICS ARE DESCRIBING THE DOCUMENTARY AS “BRUTALLY HONEST AND RELENTLESSLY FAIR.” MEANWHILE, COLUMBIA TRI-STAR HAS PRODUCED A BIG-BUDGET BIOPIC OF YOUR LIFE, CASTING MAJOR HOLLYWOOD STARS AS YOU AND ALL YOUR ACQUAINTANCES; THOUGH THE MOVIE IS BASED ON ACTUAL EVENTS, SCREENWRITERS HAVE TAKEN SOME LIBERTIES WITH THE FACTS. CRITICS ARE SPLIT ON THE ARTISTIC MERITS OF THIS FICTIONALIZED ACCOUNT, BUT AUDIENCES LOVE IT. WHICH FILM WOULD YOU BE MOST INTERESTED IN SEEING & WHY? The fictionalized version. I already know the truth.

73. YOU ARE SITTING IN AN EMPTY BAR (IN A TOWN YOU’VE NEVER BEFORE VISITED), DRINKING BACARDI WITH A SOFT-SPOKEN ACQUAINTANCE YOU BARELY KNOW. AFTER AN HOUR, A THIRD INDIVIDUAL WALKS INTO THE TAVERN AND SITS BY HIMSELF, AND YOU ASK YOUR ACQUAINTANCE WHO THE NEW MAN IS. “BE CAREFUL OF THAT GUY,” YOU ARE TOLD. “HE IS A MAN WITH A PAST.” A FEW MINUTES LATER, A FOURTH PERSON ENTERS THE BAR; HE ALSO SITS ALONE. YOU ASK YOUR ACQUAINTANCE WHO THIS NEW INDIVIDUAL IS. “BE CAREFUL OF THAT GUY, TOO,” HE SAYS. “HE IS A MAN WITH NO PAST.” WHICH OF THESE TWO PEOPLE DO YOU TRUST LESS? The man with a past. The man with no past is presumably a baby and therefore harmless.

74. YOU HAVE A BRAIN TUMOR. THOUGH THERE IS NO DISCOMFORT AT THE MOMENT, THIS TUMOR WOULD UNQUESTIONABLY KILL YOU IN SIX MONTHS. HOWEVER, YOUR LIFE CAN (AND WILL) BE SAVED BY AN OPERATION; THE ONLY DOWNSIDE IS THAT THERE WILL BE A BRUTAL INCISION TO YOUR FRONTAL LOBE. AFTER THE SURGERY, YOU WILL BE SIGNIFICANTLY LESS INTELLIGENT. YOU WILL STILL BE A FULLY FUNCTIONING ADULT, BUT YOU WILL BE LESS LOGICAL, YOU WILL HAVE A TERRIBLE MEMORY, AND YOU WILL HAVE LITTLE ABILITY TO UNDERSTAND COMPLEX CONCEPTS OR DIFFICULT IDEAS. THE SURGERY IS IN TWO WEEKS. HOW DO YOU SPEND THE NEXT FOURTEEN DAYS? Writing and recording (audio or video) as many of those more complex/difficult thoughts as possible.

75. FOR REASONS THAT CANNOT BE EXPLAINED, CATS CAN SUDDENLY READ AT A TWELFTH-GRADE LEVEL. THEY CAN’T TALK AND THEY CAN’T WRITE, BUT THEY CAN READ SILENTLY AND UNDERSTAND THE TEXT. MANY CATS LOVE THIS NEW SKILL, BECAUSE THEY NOW HAVE SOMETHING TO DO ALL DAY WHILE THEY LAY AROUND THE HOUSE; HOWEVER, A FEW CATS BECOME DEPRESSED, BECAUSE READING FORCES THEM TO REALIZE THE LIMITATIONS OF THEIR EXISTENCE (NOT TO MENTION THE UTTER FRUSTRATION OF BEING UNABLE TO EXPRESS THEMSELVES). THIS BEING THE CASE, DO YOU THINK THE AVERAGE CAT WOULD ENJOY GARFIELD, OR WOULD CATS FIND THIS CARTOON TO BE AN INSULTING CARICATURE? I don’t think they’d enjoy it or find it insulting. It’s Garfield. It’s just kind of there.

76. LET US ASSUME YOU MET A RUDIMENTARY MAGICIAN. LET US ASSUME HE CAN DO FIVE SIMPLE TRICKS – HE CAN PULL A RABBIT OUT OF HIS HAT, HE CAN MAKE A COIN DISAPPEAR, HE CAN TURN THE ACE OF SPADES INTO THE JOKER CARD, AND TWO OTHERS IN A SIMILAR VEIN. THESE ARE HIS ONLY TRICKS AND HE CAN’T LEARN ANY MORE; HE CAN ONLY DO THESE FIVE. HOWEVER, IT TURNS OUT HE’S DOING THESE FIVE TRICKS WITH REAL MAGIC. IT’S NOT AN ILLUSION; HE CAN ACTUALLY CONJURE THE BUNNY OUT OF THE ETHER AND HE CAN MOVE THE COIN THROUGH SPACE. HE’S LEGITIMATELY MAGICAL, BUT EXTREMELY LIMITED IN SCOPE AND INFLUENCE. WOULD THIS PERSON BE MORE IMPRESSIVE THAN ALBERT EINSTEIN? Not at all. Perhaps if he had some more useful tricks, he’d be more impressive than Einstein. But I think parlor tricks aren’t as big as deal as, say, revolutionizing physics.